To gain, we must lose

While growing up my mami always tried to steer us in the right direction. I remember every Sunday morning we would get up early, go to Spanish mass to sing in the choir, then catechism, then go eat some tacos. When I got older, we would get up early, I would go to Sunday mass, teach catechism, then go eat some tacos. Ok, ok…so I was there for the tacos…lol.

At that time, I have to say,  that my faith was not my own, it was my mami’s unconditional love and faith in Diosito that kept me going. So soon, I abandoned ship, and for literally, most of my 20’s I walked the Earth with no direction and no faith in God. I’ve lived a lot of, in my eyes, melodramatic, unnecessary  heartache, mostly all inflicted by me and could of been avoided if I would of loved myself enough. I always thought love was the answer… all love, universal love, romantic love, self love… it wasi_have_feeling_that_my_guardian_angel_often_looks_like_this__2013-07-02 my way out, my savior, so I searched for it, I followed it, and in my confusion I lost sight of Diosito, I lost everything.   It wasn’t until a few years ago, in total surrender and relinquish of control , that I saw Diosito hadn’t abandoned me like I had Him. A LOT of growing has happened since…a lot of coscorones coming from up above.

This weekend I went to church for the first time in many, many, MANY years.  My faith…well….only Diosito understands it and my need to not conform to any specific space. My love for HIM is here at home and all around me…in my heart. I have this mystic view of life, for that, I have my papi to thank for. You know, reality is,  my spirituality has grown in seeing Diosito  change my life, change the person I am, and change the people around me…. knowing that there is a purpose, a path in our life, a lesson to learn, love to give, people to love and understand makes my faith grow.  Trying to embrace my papi’s spiritual believes and combine them with my mami’s traditional teachings was hard and confusing and it was a hard and grueling  task to beautifully join the two in such a way that works for only me. I know, now, that in order to find God, I needed to lose sight of Him first. Somehow I feel it was all planned this way…and now…this path of healing has led me back to where I never thought I’d set foot again and at my own will.

The Father’s sermon talked about gaining more when you lose. I smiled quietly to myself because, as always, mi Diosito is always throwing hints at me. To be stripped of everything is hard but in the end it’s liberating and what you gain from that struggle is far more valuable. I started  thinking about the things I’ve lost in life…and, in reality, I shouldn’t complain…I came to realize how dramatica I was. I didn’t embrace the challenge, I didn’t trust Diosito enough to know that something better was in store for me.  Its hard to look past my ego’s temper tantrums. I still throw myself on the floor, kick my feet up in the air, throw my shoes off, and cry my crocodile tear like the terca y caprichuda monstra that comes out at times, but I think I have a tad bit, un cachito,  more sense under my belt… now… to get it together.

 We all lose, some loss is far more greater than others,  but none the less, it is a loss and its felt in our hearts. At times of great loss is when we have it all…we have that unconditional love and guidance that comes from our Diosito. He never abandons his children no matter how far way you are from Him.

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I’m not crazy, just dramatic

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So, I wasn’t planning on sharing this with the world but pa que chingados do I have a blog for if I’m going to be hiding who I really am. I’ve always been very vocal and upfront about my love affair with food…. Mostly, I can care less about what people think about me. It is what I think about myself that hurts me and so a mixture of issues have developed over the past few…well…all my life…

A few weeks ago I had a break down at the doctor’s office. I usually see a very lovely PA who is heaven sent. Como chinga a la chingada when I go but that’s exactly what I need. Someone  who’s straight forward and will give me a little pujoncito when I’m being stubborn. Well, they accidentally scheduled me in with a new pcp. He’s new, he’s young, he’s drop dead gorgeous, he’s fit…a little to short for my liking… Well, again, like always my weight and food issues were brought up and he said, “Well instead of eating a whole pint of ice cream why don’t you have one cookie.” Umm…#1 You look starved, I want to feed you some posole or chiles rellenos. #2 Who only eats 1 cookie? I sure the hell don’t and as I thought this I stopped listening to his blah blah because I was envisioning oreos…mmmm…Anyways, long story short…..I cried my eyes out because all I want to do is eat.  You can’t deny a foodie food. I saw that judgmental  look on his eyes. In the words of Mama Ru(paul) “Only Judy can judge.”

I can totally get that some people don’t understand what goes on in my head because most of the time I sure don’t know what the hell goes on…LOL but its so hard for people that haven’t had weight problems to be accepting to the idea that its hard to say no. With my gall bladder being taken out and being sensitive to foods that I love… Olga la gorda has reared her ugly face again.  I asked if he would send me to a nutritionist and instead suggested a psychologist and a little sprinkle of anti anxiety meds. Being that I live inside a bubble and will not take anything in fear that it will hurt me, I said no, but I agreed to see a psychologist.

So, today I officially sat on my first couch. I didn’t like it…so I asked if I can sit on the chair. She sat on the couch instead…LOL. Mostly this initial session consisted of me answering questions and then giving a speech on why and then wanting to retract everything because it made me sound crazy. “I mean, I am, but I’m not. I’m just over dramatic” was my closing statement….lol. Life is not black and white….I live in the gray!!

She explained that a lot of the things we carry are like that scene from The Incredibles where Mr. Incredible is  running from the black tar blobs that are being shot at him. Once something, words, a situation, hardships, or a trauma are being thrown at you…they sometimes stick to you. They grow and grow and grow and eventually they consume you.  I thought about long and hard on the way home and decided that I would release those tar blobs chingaderas that have been attaching and growing on me.

I know that I’ve been in much darker places in life. I know what I am and what I am not. I know that I am thankful for all the hardships because they are the reason I am stronger..I know that I have come a long way but…. Sometimes you just need help and that is where I’m standing now…stuck…not letting myself move forward because I’ve attached significant meaning to these toxic tar blobs.   When you actually get the time to sit down, calm your body, and look yourself in the mirror, you don’t see who you have imagined all this time.  But, you will continue to be stuck if you don’t reach out for help. Its hard, being stubborn and all, but you make a choice. I’m choosing to put my big girl panties on y pos nimodo…like my papi said the other day… “Y que se vaya a la chingada madre…para que batallan.” Sometimes you just need to let it go.

Now is the best time to let go. I’ve seen a lot of people moving towards a healthy way of life and I have this feeling of hope. We all get through the muck one step at a time.

 

 

 

 

Table for one

I had a two hour gap between doctor appointments.  Went into work early and left before lunch so when I saw that little Mexican food place tucked between 2 huge chingon businesses, I was excited. The window read,  “Homemade Tamales.”  I love tamales! I thought it would be like Christmas again. I pictured myself unwrapping that soft corn husk.  So I thought I’d stop for take out in hopes of getting a hold of some happiness.

As I looked at the menu, I felt the need to dine alone.  I’m not use to dining alone, in fact, I’m not use to being alone because I’ve never allowed myself to be by myself.  I’m the middle child, deprived of attention, so yes…I’m a chicle. I love to love and be loved and give love and this I stand by always.

By this time the nice,  short, curly haired lady has brought me my salsita with chips, which, AYE DIOSITO MIO…. they had the most wpid-IMG_20140327_213813.jpgdelicious salsita de aguacate and the sweetest tea of teas. Made me feel I was a southern bell sitting on my porch, sun shining, in my big floppy wide-brim sun hat. If I died, I would of died happy. I’ve been alone, and I mean completely emotionally alone, for 3 years…Ok, so I lied. I’ve been emotionally alone for 5 days. Its hard letting go of someone who’s been emotionally there for you for so long. I want to justify things but I stop myself because sometimes you have to let people go. One mistake doesn’t change what is in my heart, but a promise of truth for myself determines if you stay in my life. This is something that I am now  just learning.

I looked around and I was the only one dinning alone.  Between Intocables’s Coqueta playing in the background and my mind running 100 miles an hour…you know, all  was forgotten when I realized how good the salsa was and how I had the whole bowl of tostadas all to myself.  I was enjoying myself, for once, being alone meant that I can choose which way my life goes without pressure from who ever is around me. I can have the whole bowl of tostadas to myself. I feel guilty, but not from eating the whole bowl of tostadas. The only thing that is really keeping me from crying at this point is my crocodile skin I’ve grown to love.

I heard a pod-cast about soul mates the other night. I always thought that soul mates were our other half, but this lady said we have many soul companions. They are the people who brake your heart so deeply that you learn to be stronger, they are your parents who have made a promise to help us learn the lessons your soul has planned, and then, there are those soul mates that move you…grow you…love you…but only for a brief time…or in my case, 10 years but only to leave when you are at your best. These people help you learn life’s lessons and we have to appreciate all those people that come in and out our lives.

So anyways, I decided to order a  tamale….ok, I was going to omit that I also had the flauta plate…. but lets be honest…I wasn’t JUST going to have a tamale…I was starving… .After ordering my flautas I ask for a tamale…  Nomas uno, the waitress says.  Yes, just one.  Then she smiles and says, “Porque tan solito, ordene otro.” The real funny thing is that I always know I’m on the right path because people say the most coincidental things to me. I busted out with my trademark carcahada. And I said to her in my best TexMEx, “Yes, estoy segura…just one…..pero tragame mas tea and chips.”

In my family we all have different roles…la frijolera, la pastelera, la salad-era, la “I’m just going to buy something from HEB”-era, la watosa…but la tamalera is a special gift my 2nd oldest sister holds. She makes the best tamales one can taste. Speaking of her, she is the spiciest Lopez but she has the bigest heart of us all. I’ve seen her care more about people than anyone else but te manda a la chingada if you mess with her family.  Not to mention, my 3 traviesos came from her. We would all agree that the best gift to unwrap for Christmas is a tamale, her homemade “Aye que ricos, I just had a dozen and didnt realize it” tamales. That moment when you open the pot of tamales,your pores are instantly opened by the hot steam, your hands are burnt from trying to pull one out because you can’t wait for them to cool…Pulling that corn husk off….tamale sliding out …the joy…

wpid-IMG_20140327_213925.jpgUnfortunately, I was not transported back to that glorious day in Spring 1982 ,when I had my first tamale, because I’m sure that I came out of my mami eating tamales…. This lonely tamale was a disappointment. They lied! It was not a “homemade tamale”. In fact, I thought I was in Death Valley..Pobre tamale was so dry it looked like dry ground. I touched it, and it crumbled.

I was sad…with my tamale…but mostly sad because taking the time to sit and be by myself reassured me that walking away is the best thing for me right now. Not only walking away from people, but from the things that no longer serve a purpose in your life. It is important to surround ourselves with truth and love….not false hope…no matter how badly you want to believe it.

….or how your heart falsely sees it….

Speaking of that, as I walked out I was so upset I wanted to stare the window down because it lied to me with its “Homemade Tamales”…..so I gave it my best squinted eyes …. damn you…shaking fist in the air face and realized that I was mistaken. The window didn’t say “homemade tamales” like I had read when I was starving for food. It read “Homemade Tortillas.” Pendeja!!!!! Then I was just sad because they gave me tortillas and I didn’t even try them.

In the end, I will always miss that part of me but I am no longer the same….I am stronger…mostly thanks to you….but now its up to me to take the wheel.

The tamale might not have been good, but the lesson sure was…