Throughout our life Diosito presents us with these wonderful progressive opportunities to transition from our current life to different life. Some gracefully skate through these transitions. They embrace their surroundings and glide though these moments untouched, free of worry…music full blast…their confidence intact. I, on the other hand, have always been that chunky gordita, at Skate Land, trying to skate…legs shaking…falling on my nalgas and secretly wishing I was one of those pretty, skinny girls zooming past me. This is exactly how I handle change. Lately, I’ve been hit with a chingaso of change so I feel like that chunky little girl holding on to the rails for dear life. Sad to say, I’m comfortably ok with holding on.
The other day as I furiously went Rambo on my yearly summer rancho ant infestation…ok…so I wasn’t the valiant Rambo I wish I was…I kinda flew over the cuckoo’s nest. I cried. These are demon ants from hell! They are everywhere, nothing kills them and I’m sure they conspire at night in attempts to drive me out. I imagine them in my restroom aka “The war room” plotting ways to make my life a living hell…So, in my ant induced stressed and deranged state of mind, my boyfriend decides to ask me to move in with him. I’m happy he wants to be the fearless Darrel (Walking dead ) who rescues me from these zombie ants but that threw me over the bridge. I’m moving at work, I’m going to school, a rekindled relationship…talks of a new car, a washing machine that doesn’t make noise or shake the whole house…anxiety from my grocery list for 2. Seeing all that food on my list threw me into food anxiety mood. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been shedding a lot of tears lately and I’ve had a few food sneaky sneakies.
My home, my casitia, is…me…my own…my safety. Those cracked walls with peeling paint have seen me through thick and thin.They know my tears and they know my laughter. I love my little piece of old ranchito heaven…well…I don’t love the crazy ants but I love everything else. Although I love my papasito and I know that it is him I want to be with… my initial reaction was a freak out…at night…in the shower and if I wasn’t always with him all the time, I’m sure I would of had a late night therapy session with my favorite beau, a bucket of dulce de leche ice cream. That is my favorite kind of therapy.
Anyways, that chingaso has really forced me to stop and take a look at what is happening around me. I feel sad that I’m losing everything that has been a constant in my life even if most of what’s changing I want to leave behind. I feel that in all aspects of my life, all my old chapters are closing. Moving from mi casita viejita symbolically represents that change. My boyfriend talked about what I don’t need because he can provide and I took it personal. I felt that all MY old things, my comforts, were being tossed out. Everyone who knows me knows I’m a recovering hoarder. Well…ok…I kinda still, I just like to say I’ve recovered. I’m aware of this and I’m aware that half of the things that I can’t let go should be let go. I had a knot in my throat, pero me aguante because I know that I can’t be holding on to useless things. Old things, torn thing, things that no longer serve their purpose….litteraly….and metaphoricaly thinking. But…like always…I can’t help but to want to hold on for dear life…like that chunky little girl at Skate Land.
So…today I went home after school to try to confront my change. Those last staggering rain drops and the smell of tierita mojada you can only find when you’re surrounded by sweet mother nature made the walk to my back door a lot harder. It helped that my 3yr old nephew was holding my hand. He saw me crying and he said, “Tia, no llora. Let’s go.”
So with my nephew there to keep me company, I started going through my things. I took picture frames off the wall…my walls bare, stripped of all memories, but I felt happy and for the first time in a long time I ran with that happiness. I allowed myself to accept the love, embrace forgiveness, allow help….his hugs and kisses, the comfort he gives my heart, and the love he shows me daily. I allowed my anxiety to pass through like that cool breeze that passes though my house on rainy days. I decided that I’m going to embrace all these beautiful shifts, mostly because only by embracing these transitions will I allow myself to let go of the old.