To gain, we must lose

While growing up my mami always tried to steer us in the right direction. I remember every Sunday morning we would get up early, go to Spanish mass to sing in the choir, then catechism, then go eat some tacos. When I got older, we would get up early, I would go to Sunday mass, teach catechism, then go eat some tacos. Ok, ok…so I was there for the tacos…lol.

At that time, I have to say,  that my faith was not my own, it was my mami’s unconditional love and faith in Diosito that kept me going. So soon, I abandoned ship, and for literally, most of my 20’s I walked the Earth with no direction and no faith in God. I’ve lived a lot of, in my eyes, melodramatic, unnecessary  heartache, mostly all inflicted by me and could of been avoided if I would of loved myself enough. I always thought love was the answer… all love, universal love, romantic love, self love… it wasi_have_feeling_that_my_guardian_angel_often_looks_like_this__2013-07-02 my way out, my savior, so I searched for it, I followed it, and in my confusion I lost sight of Diosito, I lost everything.   It wasn’t until a few years ago, in total surrender and relinquish of control , that I saw Diosito hadn’t abandoned me like I had Him. A LOT of growing has happened since…a lot of coscorones coming from up above.

This weekend I went to church for the first time in many, many, MANY years.  My faith…well….only Diosito understands it and my need to not conform to any specific space. My love for HIM is here at home and all around me…in my heart. I have this mystic view of life, for that, I have my papi to thank for. You know, reality is,  my spirituality has grown in seeing Diosito  change my life, change the person I am, and change the people around me…. knowing that there is a purpose, a path in our life, a lesson to learn, love to give, people to love and understand makes my faith grow.  Trying to embrace my papi’s spiritual believes and combine them with my mami’s traditional teachings was hard and confusing and it was a hard and grueling  task to beautifully join the two in such a way that works for only me. I know, now, that in order to find God, I needed to lose sight of Him first. Somehow I feel it was all planned this way…and now…this path of healing has led me back to where I never thought I’d set foot again and at my own will.

The Father’s sermon talked about gaining more when you lose. I smiled quietly to myself because, as always, mi Diosito is always throwing hints at me. To be stripped of everything is hard but in the end it’s liberating and what you gain from that struggle is far more valuable. I started  thinking about the things I’ve lost in life…and, in reality, I shouldn’t complain…I came to realize how dramatica I was. I didn’t embrace the challenge, I didn’t trust Diosito enough to know that something better was in store for me.  Its hard to look past my ego’s temper tantrums. I still throw myself on the floor, kick my feet up in the air, throw my shoes off, and cry my crocodile tear like the terca y caprichuda monstra that comes out at times, but I think I have a tad bit, un cachito,  more sense under my belt… now… to get it together.

 We all lose, some loss is far more greater than others,  but none the less, it is a loss and its felt in our hearts. At times of great loss is when we have it all…we have that unconditional love and guidance that comes from our Diosito. He never abandons his children no matter how far way you are from Him.

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“A broken heart is an opportunity”

Lately, my broken heart has come to surface. I’ve tried, over the course of 3 years, to be strong… well, what I presume strong is. In doing so I’ve put out the great fire in my heart.

Being the dramatica that I am, I’ve had many heartbreaks…. Every unrequited crush, every tortilla que se me quemo, every unfairness that has crossed my path, any pain that my loved ones have felt, my cocodrillo tears…that heartache that was felt to the core….I own it…I’ve never denied my heart to throw herself on the floor, cry, and scream….and break…. but also le doy sus coscorones, like my mami would give me, and tell her to get the hell back up…vale mas cabrona!

I’ve told myself over and over that I needed to mend myself back up…aguantate and I mean NOWput your big girl panties, double spanks, a little mascara, some lip gloss and vamonos….get it together.  Crying only in the shower…or in company of someone who was just as broken hearted as me. My poor  little heart keeper is working 24/7, a chingas,  to mend my tears and broken seams and I demanded he build a wall so high that now I can’t even see my heart. I can’t feel her…and no one can see her. Where’s the warmth? The fire?

Sometimes, one just bends and folds and is pulled a little too much causing your heart to tear at the seam, or at its weakest point.  Y sopatelas….your exposed beyond repair.  In my head I picture that little piece of paper in my wallet with all my important information that I’ve been carrying around since…Quen sabe….The other day,  as I took it out to look at it, it tore. A heart, just like those important pieces of paper, photographs, prayers, momentos that have lugged around for years, gets worn out. For many years I blamed myself but as I sit here thinking about how I’ve managed to wear out a little piece of paper, I really feel that its inevitable. Any heart that is mangled around, will tear…break…llora….

This is something that has been marinating in my head for the past few weeks. I’m not going to hid the fact that my heart has been broken beyond my understanding, many times…or that I am now starting to realize that maybe I shouldn’t of built the Berlin wall around it but I just had this feeling in my gut that THIS wasn’t the way. I want my flame back, I don’t want those walls around my heart anymore.

So, as I always do, I asked Diosito and the Angelitos to guide me.  My prayers were answered in the form of a youtube video, I’m sure my nephews were messing with youtube and somehow stumbled across this video…but it was just what I needed… Coincidence? Or…When did God  become media savvy? LOL

I sometimes think I’m crazy, and I really don’t care if I am or not…lol…because I’m on my own path, learning lessons, and I know that Diosito is guiding me. He knows that I, as everyone else,  needs rocks thrown at us.  I can’t understand subtleties.  After hearing this video, it was clear to me that what I have done to my heart was hurting her more than helping. I’ve been going about it the wrong way. What I perceived to be strong, wasn’t. Being strong is embracing that broken heart….” A broken heart is an opportunity….”

‘It’s not that I’m still broken hearted, that’s not what ails me. I hope to embrace all my lessons,  love, life, and the idea of opening up my heart again to love…. to the possiblity of finding love or another broken heart.

The video is kinda lengthy… and new to me…but it served it purpose. So I’m leaving it at that…taking what I needed from it…leaving what I didn’t need….an opportunity to learn and heal…