Took the boys to the park to run….we ran….all the way to the paletero.
Sometimes with the hysteria of life we find ourselves programmed to just get things done. Lately, I’ve been programed to mad cow delirious. Get,a chingas, to work, finish work, get those problems solved, feed the chickens and the burro, take a shower, do this, do that, jump through hoops, do a pirouette…a maroma …. Dispite being tired, I agreed to watch mis amores because I missed them. The boys were peacefully minding their own business outside, my dad was working on his truck, and I found a chair to plop myself on. ” Aye Diosito mio”, is what I said when my pompas met that beautifully rusted chair. As I sat outside watching mis papasitos chulos, a gust of cool fresh air blew into my face. I asked myself tiredly, “Que chingados Lili,” because, being the loca that I am, I often scold myself in third person. LOL. I KNOW someone out there does the same! I’m confident I’m not the only kooky out there. So anyways, I realized that because I was so busy being zombiefied I was missing out on all the beautiful things going on around me. So, I got up. I sat next to my cutie while he serviced my car. He ran to my dad’s tool box and gathered some tools. He said he would fix Tia’s tires and put gas like his papi does. After that he saw his brother was playing with the mangera… he ran, stripped down to his calzoncillos and began playing in the muddy water. Just like that, without giving it a second thought. I would do anything to be free like that again. I laughed, took my shoes off, and joined the fun. Underneath all the chaos of 3 boys laughing, fighting, and splashing I heard my dad singing to a old-school bolero on the staticy AM La Rancherita del Aire. I stopped what I was doing, listened, smiled, and took the time to thank Diosito for moments like this that allow me to feel unconditional, unrestricted happiness. It brought tears to my eyes.
While growing up my mami always tried to steer us in the right direction. I remember every Sunday morning we would get up early, go to Spanish mass to sing in the choir, then catechism, then go eat some tacos. When I got older, we would get up early, I would go to Sunday mass, teach catechism, then go eat some tacos. Ok, ok…so I was there for the tacos…lol.
At that time, I have to say, that my faith was not my own, it was my mami’s unconditional love and faith in Diosito that kept me going. So soon, I abandoned ship, and for literally, most of my 20’s I walked the Earth with no direction and no faith in God. I’ve lived a lot of, in my eyes, melodramatic, unnecessary heartache, mostly all inflicted by me and could of been avoided if I would of loved myself enough. I always thought love was the answer… all love, universal love, romantic love, self love… it was my way out, my savior, so I searched for it, I followed it, and in my confusion I lost sight of Diosito, I lost everything. It wasn’t until a few years ago, in total surrender and relinquish of control , that I saw Diosito hadn’t abandoned me like I had Him. A LOT of growing has happened since…a lot of coscorones coming from up above.
This weekend I went to church for the first time in many, many, MANY years. My faith…well….only Diosito understands it and my need to not conform to any specific space. My love for HIM is here at home and all around me…in my heart. I have this mystic view of life, for that, I have my papi to thank for. You know, reality is, my spirituality has grown in seeing Diosito change my life, change the person I am, and change the people around me…. knowing that there is a purpose, a path in our life, a lesson to learn, love to give, people to love and understand makes my faith grow. Trying to embrace my papi’s spiritual believes and combine them with my mami’s traditional teachings was hard and confusing and it was a hard and grueling task to beautifully join the two in such a way that works for only me. I know, now, that in order to find God, I needed to lose sight of Him first. Somehow I feel it was all planned this way…and now…this path of healing has led me back to where I never thought I’d set foot again and at my own will.
The Father’s sermon talked about gaining more when you lose. I smiled quietly to myself because, as always, mi Diosito is always throwing hints at me. To be stripped of everything is hard but in the end it’s liberating and what you gain from that struggle is far more valuable. I started thinking about the things I’ve lost in life…and, in reality, I shouldn’t complain…I came to realize how dramatica I was. I didn’t embrace the challenge, I didn’t trust Diosito enough to know that something better was in store for me. Its hard to look past my ego’s temper tantrums. I still throw myself on the floor, kick my feet up in the air, throw my shoes off, and cry my crocodile tear like the terca y caprichuda monstra that comes out at times, but I think I have a tad bit, un cachito, more sense under my belt… now… to get it together.
We all lose, some loss is far more greater than others, but none the less, it is a loss and its felt in our hearts. At times of great loss is when we have it all…we have that unconditional love and guidance that comes from our Diosito. He never abandons his children no matter how far way you are from Him.