When I was little and I would get into arguments with my sisters my papi would always get after us. He would say, “La familia perdona.” No matter who is at fault. Aye Maria purisima, Disoito mio give me strength….it would boil my blood. I felt there was a great injustice being committed against me. For the longest time I couldn’t accept it. My mami would make us apologize a fuerzas and I would do it only because I feared the wrath of my Mexican parents, LOL. That childhood lesson laid a very important foundation for forgiveness. My mami and papi showed us the importance of forgiving one another, although forgiveness doesn’t come easy, it has to come from the heart, if not, it is not forgiveness. It took me a long time to understand that we have to let go and forgive for the sake of our own soul. Harboring negative emotions slowly puts out our fire.
Throughout my life I’ve stumbled upon great injustices made against me. I’ve been bullied because I was the quiet one, I’ve been taken advantage of, and I been hurt because I choose to give my heart out like free religious “Watchtower” pamphlets….Well, I was going to add, “to all the wrong people.” but I feel that given the priceless lessons that I have learned and considering how far I’ve come along….I was suppose to give my heart out to those people. I don’t regret the love that I choose to give. I have said, and I stand by my word, that I am a creature of love….despite of that mean little troll that’s made a home in my heart for the past few years.
Recently, someone from my past came knocking at my heart’s door. I peeked through the peephole, locked the double bolt locks, and hid under the table. After I remembered that my parents didn’t raise a coward…but a big shit chingona, I picked myself up and faced the past that needed to be forgiven. But….well….that was hard…Instead, I declared war. I didn’t let him in…I threw my ninja blades, and did my karate chops, and words of resentment came pouring out of my mouth…and after the storm passed… I cried like the heartache was new and felt like I’d gone against everything my parents taught me. Instead of being retaliated on, he understood everything, is fighting for a second chance, is embracing me, and giving me the time I need for him to show me that he’s a changed man. Something I’d never seen before in him. It shook me to my core and I asked myself…Do people change? I’d been waiting for this moment…For someone to wholeheartedly apologized to me for what they did and understand what it feels like to be in pain. I didn’t think that anyone would ever have a chance to amend a broken love….broken and all, my ego hates to admit to the world, that love never went away.
So what do I do? My chingona ego tells me one thing, while my pendeja heart, Diosito bless her soul, tells me something else. I’ve build walls around my heart, I’ve put my foot down, I’ve put on my big girl panties and thrown punches at the world, I’ve become hard and calloused because I’ve allowed that hurt to brew in me….and I feel, now, as I tread with care in allowing this person back in my life…. that I’ve somehow have let the chingona down because forgiveness and this chingadera that I feel for this changing man is starting to seep into my heart. Do I fight it? I embrace it. I don’t understand, but in the end…after 6 yrs….I’m finding that we are both finally beginning to heal from the pain that path we have been on has given us. That is whats important.
I can truly say that if things are meant to be, they will find a way. That way… whichever it it… or however long it takes… or how right or wrong people may think it is….Is truly just for us no matter what happens in the end. I never thought that I would find true happiness and comfort from being with someone who caused great pain in the past. Love is Love and when its true, it overcomes great pain. That’s the beauty of forgiveness. It’s not for everyone, but it’s for me. Love is for me. Happiness is for me. Forgiving is for me.
My best girl Steph has been there through some of the toughest times in my life. She’s a beautiful soul. She’s determined. She writes from the heart. She takes the struggles we face and turns it into inspiring poety. Thank you, my soul sister, for turning what my heart feels into beautiful poerty.
You may be part of my past
But your ghost still lingers,
As do the scars you left behind
Questions left unanswered,
Endless thoughts pondered
As I try to move forward,
The heartache you caused me
Leaves me feeling haunted,
Unable to escape your grasp
But now it’s time for me to let you go
Forgive all your indiscretions,
That you committed against me
Forgiveness is not for my re-entry into your life,
But for me to move on with mine
Although the cracks remain,
I know they’ll heal with time
Slowly the memories of you will burn away,
And your ghostly presence…incinerated
On my way home from work I had to stop to admire the scenery. I couldn’t help but to thank mi Diosito. Too often I zoom past these green pastures, vivacious clouds, and laid back cows. Today, I stopped. I leaned on the hood of my car for a bit, took a deep breath of clean country air, and felt the Texas summer breeze on my face. I feel that my life is coming full circle. I find it so refreshing because this has been a period of great growth for me. All aspects of my life were defined these last 6 years. Now, I find myself in the process of getting moved into the classroom I once started in. I find myself beautifully enlightened. I find myself being surprised, at work, with beautiful roses from an old love and the only thing I feel is love and forgiveness in my heart instead of the anger I felt for so long. I find myself in the same place I use to be at, but this time… I am different. I am stronger. I am grateful.