Lately, my broken heart has come to surface. I’ve tried, over the course of 3 years, to be strong… well, what I presume strong is. In doing so I’ve put out the great fire in my heart.
Being the dramatica that I am, I’ve had many heartbreaks…. Every unrequited crush, every tortilla que se me quemo, every unfairness that has crossed my path, any pain that my loved ones have felt, my cocodrillo tears…that heartache that was felt to the core….I own it…I’ve never denied my heart to throw herself on the floor, cry, and scream….and break…. but also le doy sus coscorones, like my mami would give me, and tell her to get the hell back up…vale mas cabrona!
I’ve told myself over and over that I needed to mend myself back up…aguantate and I mean NOW… put your big girl panties, double spanks, a little mascara, some lip gloss and vamonos….get it together. Crying only in the shower…or in company of someone who was just as broken hearted as me. My poor little heart keeper is working 24/7, a chingas, to mend my tears and broken seams and I demanded he build a wall so high that now I can’t even see my heart. I can’t feel her…and no one can see her. Where’s the warmth? The fire?
Sometimes, one just bends and folds and is pulled a little too much causing your heart to tear at the seam, or at its weakest point. Y sopatelas….your exposed beyond repair. In my head I picture that little piece of paper in my wallet with all my important information that I’ve been carrying around since…Quen sabe….The other day, as I took it out to look at it, it tore. A heart, just like those important pieces of paper, photographs, prayers, momentos that have lugged around for years, gets worn out. For many years I blamed myself but as I sit here thinking about how I’ve managed to wear out a little piece of paper, I really feel that its inevitable. Any heart that is mangled around, will tear…break…llora….
This is something that has been marinating in my head for the past few weeks. I’m not going to hid the fact that my heart has been broken beyond my understanding, many times…or that I am now starting to realize that maybe I shouldn’t of built the Berlin wall around it but I just had this feeling in my gut that THIS wasn’t the way. I want my flame back, I don’t want those walls around my heart anymore.
So, as I always do, I asked Diosito and the Angelitos to guide me. My prayers were answered in the form of a youtube video, I’m sure my nephews were messing with youtube and somehow stumbled across this video…but it was just what I needed… Coincidence? Or…When did God become media savvy? LOL
I sometimes think I’m crazy, and I really don’t care if I am or not…lol…because I’m on my own path, learning lessons, and I know that Diosito is guiding me. He knows that I, as everyone else, needs rocks thrown at us. I can’t understand subtleties. After hearing this video, it was clear to me that what I have done to my heart was hurting her more than helping. I’ve been going about it the wrong way. What I perceived to be strong, wasn’t. Being strong is embracing that broken heart….” A broken heart is an opportunity….”
‘It’s not that I’m still broken hearted, that’s not what ails me. I hope to embrace all my lessons, love, life, and the idea of opening up my heart again to love…. to the possiblity of finding love or another broken heart.
The video is kinda lengthy… and new to me…but it served it purpose. So I’m leaving it at that…taking what I needed from it…leaving what I didn’t need….an opportunity to learn and heal…