So, I been a little MIA, mostly because I’ve been dealing with some ansias. Its funny how the English translation of ansias is also includes craving. Well, actually yes, I have been craving. Craving tortas de asada, craving #4 from Whataburger, craving yummy wings drenched in Hawaiian sauce… fully loaded potatoes…Bill Miller chicken strips dipped in thick gravy….Aye, que rico!
I love tortas!!!
Sometimes, in life, you do things you aren’t so proud of. Sometimes you much rather turn your head because its easier for you to ignore the problem, then deal with the facts of it all. So, its human nature to find ways to cope, to avoid, to blame.
I blame Olga. La Gordita. So since I pretty much have names for everything, My friend Chuck named my foodie alter ego, Olga. Sometimes, in the moment of pure food insanity, I find that I don’t recognize who I am. Kinda like how Beyonce has Sasha Fierce. That scary! JAJAJAJA
Aye, Oh, how Olga loves to eat but during the past year I’ve managed to suppress her (and now she really looks like the picture above.)
I…am not crazy…emotional and silly and avoidant, yes…crazy, I don’t vouch for that one or at least I don’t want to vouch for it LOL. Although, I have to admit, food makes me feel crazy. I want to believe that I have the will power to say no, but the reality of it all is that most of the time, I don’t….so over the past few months, somehow, I’ve managed to form this weird food anxiety. In order to control myself, I have to stay away. I keep no food in my fridge and only buy what I need. There is no “just a little” for me, so I have to just keep it all away. It’s a shameful feeling but a real one… Why am I going to hid it from the world. Hello, my name is Lili and I have a food addiction. I also cry at buffets and stuff my face when no one is looking…. I poke fun at myself but unless you struggle with weight and food, you can’t understand.
Olga may be my way of casting blame on someone else but she’s a scary reality of my struggle with food. She recently made a reappearance 2 weeks ago when I found out I was going to have my gallbladder removed. I was appalled when my doc told me to stay away from fatty foods….no tortas, no fried chicken, no enchiladas, no nothing…. Just shoot me why don’t you! The world was ending. Que chingados! What do you mean….no chile…no fat? And because I’m a Mexican and I don’t like to be told what to do.. Oh help me, Diosito….I let Olga lose. I felt like I was dieing and I wasn’t going to be able to ever eat the foods I so much love ever ever again….So for the past 2 weeks I have been stuffing my face with all foods imaginable.I feel little again, hiding behind furniture, because I didn’t want anyone to see me eat something I wasn’t suppose to.
People don’t consider me “fat” anymore and although I don’t “look” it…I still am, very much so, gordita inside. And I will continue to say it because some of us will never stop craving Whataburger #4’s. I’ve come to understand that Olga will always be a part of me and because of that, I have accepted the gordita. Truce, Olgita, truce!
So again….Sometimes, in life, you don’t recognize your actions to be your own. You hurt yourself…with words, with feelings, with unhealthy habits. I have acknowledged this. In order for change to begin, we have to accept ones reality…. My reality is: Olga, la gordita, will always be there. So I need to find a healthy balance.