While standing in a long long line at HEB I had a few forced moments to think and slow down. Its a shame that the only time I slow down is when I’m forced to. It was a chaotic moment of peace. Everyone was rushed, arguing, getting after their children, talking on the phone (and for awhile I was too), people pushing and shoving … It was the perfect God given moment. I thanked God for forcing me to slow my soul and asked him for guidance and understanding
I started thinking….
Today, at midnight, a door will close. The end of this disconcerting but crucial chapter in my life will end. I don’t know what door or window will open but I feel tonight is a new beginning and I will slam that door shut. I think a lot of us are experiencing a pull to revitalize ourselves. Reformat our thinking. Audit our life. I think that today’s moment of peace at HEB made me realize that I have to go forward in life knowing that I can’t be scared of the next door that will open. The choices that I made and the baggage that was left after the war was over are things that I have to accept happened. Taking full responsibly for my mistakes is not an issue. Its letting go of that anxiety, anger, resentment, control, fear…its a suitcase I need to leave behind when that door closes.
These few years have not been happy ones. I felt that I’ve just been walking around aimlessly. Perdida. Pulled and pushed in ever which direction by the people around me . Me sentia mangoniada. Sadly, faith was lost.
Its a transcendental moment when your open eyes finally see light. I feel like its a rebirth. We can all compare moments in our life to that feeling. The breath of air that you desperately take in after being taken by a wave, experiencing the first second of your child’s life, that moment when you realize that, in fact, you DID NOT burn the tamales….or finally beating that damn level on candy crush lol…but in all seriousness… that feeling…is hope. Where it comes from, God only knows where to place it, but we need it to survive.
I experienced hope. God’s hope. My hope. I can only ask God to guide me into the right open door and continue to give me moments of peaceful chaos for my soul.