I was planning on writing about yesterdays morning fiasco but instead I decided to talk about something more important. Yesterday I went out with friends and amidst compliments of my weight loss and picture taking I realized how uncomfortable I felt. I’ve never been fond of compliments to begin with, but it wasn’t so much the compliments that made me feel uncomfortable, it was the fact that I can’t see my weight loss and couldn’t recognize myself in the pictures. It wasn’t until a friend asked why that I realized that my new body isn’t who I am. Sounds crazy and you would think I would be happy with losing weight but honestly, I’m not happy with my body. Its hard for me to talk about a lot of things from my past but the hardest is how I labeled myself. I mean, growing up most of us struggle with our self esteem and as imperfect humans, our tendency is to look straight at our faults and not at beautiful parts of ourselves. Growing up I encountered a lot of awful people who, with ill intentions, pointed out my flaws. I had real bad acne, my hair was a ball of frizzy mess, and most of the time I felt that I was the girl with “the personality”. I know that we all feel like that at one point of our lives but its hard for some people to shake those ideas when they are constantly hammered into you. Even when I was a size 4, I couldn’t see how thin I was. With a lump in my throat i say this: I am not those feelings.
It took me many, many years to accept myself, accept my lonjas, my acne scars, my weight and many failed attempts at finding who I am to accept me for the gordita that I am. I loved my big voluptuous nenas and now, whomp whomp, they are deflating. LOL. I say good bye to my DD’s and hello to saggy boobs and stretch marks. I know that in order to better my mind, I have to better my body but change is so hard regardless of its positive or negative connotation.
Anyways, I went home with one thought in my mind. Well, actually 2…First and foremost SLEEP! Second, I wasn’t happy being gordita but now I’m not happy either. And THAT, is not acceptable in my life right now.
So today after gorging on Luby’s buffet lol, Mmmmmm, fried fish and tarter sauce. I came home and found this picture while cleaning out lappie… It was taken in 2008. I was in dead end relationship, weighing 190 pounds.
I got to thinking about change and the 3 marks of existence in Buddhism. Impermanence. I’m no where near finding nirvana, but I’ve always had a connection towards the Buddhist teachings. Change has never been my strongest suit. I say it over and over and I know its something I struggle with. Buddha taught that understanding and accepting that everything is in a constant state of flux would end suffering. We must all find enlightenment through our own diligent efforts.
After much thought and a little siesta, I came to the realization that I have to accept change. For this moment, change means a physical change in body. I see this picture and all I think about is how unhappy I was in all aspects of my life. I wanted change then, and I asked Diosito for a change. Now I have change, and I’m not accepting change. Aye, Diosito… I really do never learn. I never want to be that person again. I refuse to be her. So with that I end by saying, as I shed my physical unwanted pounds, I make a promise to myself to shed emotional unwanted feelings. To accept who I was before but move forward with who I am now. To accept impermanence and understand that my body, as well as, my mind need change. Today I’m thankful for change.