Impermanence

I was planning on writing about yesterdays morning fiasco but instead I decided to talk about something more important. Yesterday I went out with friends and amidst compliments of my weight loss and picture taking I realized how uncomfortable I felt. I’ve never been fond of compliments to begin with, but it wasn’t so much the compliments that made me feel uncomfortable, it was the fact that I can’t see my weight loss and couldn’t recognize myself in the pictures. It wasn’t until a friend asked why that I realized that my new body isn’t who I am. Sounds crazy and you would think I would be happy with losing weight but honestly, I’m not happy with my body. Its hard for me to talk about a lot of things from my past but the hardest is how I labeled  myself. I mean, growing up most of us struggle with our self esteem and as imperfect humans, our tendency is to look straight at our faults and not at beautiful parts of ourselves.  Growing up I encountered a lot of awful people who, with ill intentions,  pointed out my flaws. I had real bad acne, my hair was a ball of frizzy mess, and most of the time I felt that I was the girl with “the personality”.  I know that we all feel like that at one point of our lives but its hard for some people to shake those ideas when they are constantly hammered into  you. Even when I was a size 4, I couldn’t see how thin I was.  With a lump in my throat i say this: I am not those feelings. Continue reading

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