Sometimes, in the melodrama of life, I get caught up on this selfish one way road. Speeding, going 100mph…ummm…wait, that’s kinda not speeding these days. Let me rephrase and exaggerate: Speeding, going 1000 miles an hour with ear plugs and blinders on and on special occasions, blindly. Most of the time, in my attempt to control uncontrollable things, I lose the battle and hay estoy, chinge, chinge, chinge even after I know I’ve lost. The thing is that I am totally consciously aware of this and have continued, over the years, to fight useless battles. Why? Lets see? Ummm….Pendeja!?! My parents, as well as every person that has known me in an intimate way have always muttered, “Let it go, Lili.” Letting go is hard for one who is emotional. I attach emotion to inanimate objects, to people, to situations in life, and often its even hard for me to drop a argument when I know what that person is doing is wrong…. or even as simple as throwing something away. You know, because I’m a “fix it” girl. This has often done more harm than good.
So, in my attempt to become a better person, let go of negative emotions, declutter and simplifying my life, I have taken the task of embracing all aspects of “letting go”. But, this hasn’t been easy. I’ve walked away from people I loved and have lost life long friends. Unfortunately, some relationships serve no purpose to you, and sometimes your role, although selfishly important in someone else’s life, is not one you want to take. I’ve decluttered my cluttered house, and I’m officially a recovering hoarder with occasional relapses. I’ve cut back spending my money on things I don’t need but most importantly, I’ve surrendered to God. I told Diosito, I’m done driving! Diosito, take the wheel cuz I hella don’t wanna drive through the graniso!! Realizing that I only have control of my actions and having faith in myself and that Diosito is pointing me down the right path has opened up my life to a new kind of happiness.
But… sometimes I forget…. in the words of my mami, “me pega el patatus”
These past few month have just been a roller coaster ride. Like the ones from Mexico, at the ferias, donde ya mero te cagas cuz you decided to get on “El tren del diablo” and you’re harnessed by only a little hilito and you see tornillos coming lose inside your cage. Yes, THAT kind of ride. In the midst of all that pedo, I threw my frustrations at the fact that I needed a new purse. Oh, how I complained! Not so “simple” anymore. Y eso no es de Dios. So like many of my conversations with Diosito, I asked him to throw me a boulder because I am so blind. I was that child when they sent to get something from the pantry, was screaming “Donde esta ma, no lo veo?!?!” and it was right in my face. So, me and God have a little understanding… He throws me piedrotas and I shut-up. And that is exactly what I did today.
I’m currently at war with sugar ants, so I stopped at a Walgreens to buy “stuff” when I saw this homeless man. He was sitting on a bench reading and on his side was a sign that said, “Homeless, will take anything.” I didn’t pay too much attention at first but my key got stuck in my ignition and in the midst of my gripe to Debora, my bitchy car, I looked up again and saw that he was reading the bible. People were passing him by and he kept reading. Not directly asking for anything. I sometimes don’t realize how blessed I am or that Diosito wants me to open my eyes. I cried in the car for a few minutes because I realized how selfish I was being. I have NO business complaining and this man, who has nothing, has put his faith in God. I bought him dinner and when I was driving home I thanked Diosito for helping me see how blessed I was and asked him to help me open my eyes.
I don’t want to speak for anyone, but we all know that we really don’t realize how good we have it. We humans are a selfish race and many times we get caught up living lavishly. I’m not saying everyone isn’t entitled to buy things, but we all have are unnecessary addictions. For me, it was that grey Guess specks satchel that I had been vivoriando for over a month.
This feeling of letting go has been something that’s been marinating in my head for quite some time. I feel the need to let go of my unnecessary material belongings. The pile of clothes that doesn’t fit in my closet, the shoes I haven’t worn for over a year that I’ve only warn once. I have what I want and need and yet I feel like there is something more to life than just this. There is something missing.
Today, I got the message clear. I admit that over the years I’ve lost track of what is important, but I know that these feelings of shedding and downsizing have something to do with my wanting to find spirituality and a faith in God that I’ve lost over the years. I might not be ready to shed and let go of all my material and emotional clutter, but I’m getting there. Trusting God and trusting this path I’m on has proved to be a difficult challenge for me since I want to feel in control…but….in reality, I rarely am in control. LOL! The illusion of control makes me feel better. Sounds crazy, because it is crazy but I’ve already accepted and I’m fully aware that I’m a temporary resident of cuckolandia. ( and for all you mexicans… not the cuculandia from the Sonora Dinamita LOL) The one thing we should all refuse to believe is that this is all there is to life. God doesn’t abandon his children through the rough patches, he guides us because the potholes are there to teach us. Sometimes the potholes are more like sinkholes but we can’t lose track of whats important.
I remember, when I was living with my parents my papi had moved some things around in my room in a attempt to get things fixed. He ended up dropping a frame and unknowingly decapitating all my Precious Moments porcelain figurines that I collected. “Massacre!”, I screamed. Those poor, little, innocent Precious Moments were no longer infused with an honest emotion. They no longer shared a special message that spoke straight to my heart. In the hype of my emotion, all my papi could say was, “Those are just material things, no te enojes asi con migo, it was an accident. Dejalo ir.” The next day, he brings me a figuring, not all high end, of this little girl holding an umbrella riding a wagon and tells me, “Ten mija, i found it at a yard sale. Its not the same but i thought of you.” BTW, I’m crying right now because I have no idea what I did with it, in my moves over the years, I’m afraid I might have taken it to the GW. Because my OCD kicked in, I just spent the last hour rummaging through my storage boxes looking for it. My dads, “They are just material things. Let it go” resonates in my head.