So, back then when MySpace was around my 2 closest friends and I simultaneously went through breakups aka the great depression. In this sadness driven, emotional dolor, we destructively bonded and created a MySpace group that we called The Bitter Ass Bitches Club. I have to admit I really, really, REALLY was a bitter ass bitch and soon this club of ours became a dumping ground and a outlet for our heartaches and anger and bitter derangement. We met some pretty interesting people, well, not really… the only person that joined our club, besides us, was a girl by the name of Marggie..I think. Should I be changing names for the sake of maintaining anonymity? Anyways, for a brief while we all lived vicariously through her. She got a boob job, became a lesbian, and she engaged in various activities that we wish we were brave enough to do…one which was moveing on. I have to say that being initiated into this club was the beginning of a journey that led me to all the wrong places.
Soon… not really soon…who am I kidding! Eventually is a better word. Eventually many, many years and one more strike to the heart later, I moved on from my bitterness. The club was abandoned many moons ago and it has become a distant reminder that bitterness lingers and can harden hearts, destroy and darken love, and impede forgiveness.
I have since hung my cloak and stopped paying my dues, but a few weeks ago I was visited by the ghost of Bitter Ass Bitches past. A friend separated from her deceiving husband. To spare the details, I’ll just say that sometimes what people allow us to see is a facade… hiding something much more darker than they, themselves, can handle. OR…maybe in their unhinged mind…it’s hope. Hope that this mask they wear is the reality, and not the (insert bad word here) up truth. I felt like my heart had broken. All that pain, that I have since left behind, came rushing to me because I understand what it feels like to be hurt…to the depth of the soul. I went home. Cried. And felt her hurt.
Being so close to marriage, this really rattled my cage. The next day, as I was dropping off my sacrament paperwork at church, I saw an old CCD teacher. She said something that left me unsettled.
Forgiveness is the key to marriage….
Sometimes people change, grow apart, mess up. Somehow people find the way to hold on to their marriage…forgiving or not forgiving. Sometimes they don’t… It’s all unknown because we are human.
But really….the fact is…sometimes marriage isn’t forever… sometimes the big shit chingona draws the line y te lleva a la chingada … and yes, we forgive but not for our marriage, for ourselves. And I think that’s OK too.
So, I had a heart to heart with the future husband. I’m not perfect, no one is, but I think that every woman should lay her tamales out on the table before taking the big leap. For me, the struggle within has been so hard. Especially with my heart. Healing from abusive, emotionally draining relationships has been an uphill battle. So, its important to communicate, to be compassionate, to speak my mind, and draw that line that says “If you cross it, I’m choosing me.” Working hard at getting to chingona mode is a victory within itself but also understanding that the most important thing one can do is have LOVE in their hearts. No one can force you to tolerate anything and the truth of the matter is, married or not, you decide where you draw the line… or, to put it in words a gordita will understand….you decide how much of that Bill Miller pumpkin pie you’re going to eat. You have a choice and that choice is your right. Moving on… choosing to forgive or not…
As for my beautiful friend, she has a heart that can withstand the most vicious storms and no one can put out that fire within. That’s the beauty of being resilient.